1996 Ford Thunderbird LX - They Don't Make Them Like This Anymore

 

The original Ford Thunderbird, which debuted in 1955, sat only two passengers. 

 

Even back when this car was new it was more like a relic from a bygone era than a modern automobile. With it being a rear wheel drive coupe with a V-8, it could've been something out of the 1950's. Save for its "modern" sheet metal and overhead cam V-8. 

 

 

 Many credit Ford with creating the personal luxury coupe with their updated, four passenger 1958 Thunderbird.

 

Back in 1996, the Big Three were still churning out big coupes but the end was near. Ford ended Thunderbird and Cougar production in 1997, the Lincoln Mark VIII phased out in 1998. General Motors followed suit, systematically eliminating their fleet of coupes one by one through 2007 when the Monte Carlo was fitted for a noose.

 

Throughout the much of the 1960's and 1970's, Thunderbird was a "dressed down" Lincoln Continental Mark. That changed in 1983 when Ford introduced the "Aero Thunderbird" based on the popular "Fox" platform. This 1996 Thunderbird is based on a midsize platform, introduced in 1989, that was exclusive to Thunderbird and Cougar.

 

What happened to the coupe? Simple. SUV's. Coupe buyers, being fashion conscious first and foremost, for there is certainly no practical reason to have a two door car with an all but impossible to access rear seat, found SUV's as fashionable as coupes and SUVs had the added benefit of profound practicality.

 

 

Rear seat access has never been a strong suit of a coupe. Tougher yet, at least for adults, is getting out once you're back there. 

 

No matter how solid an automobile this Thunderbird was, being a slave to fashion has its limitations. For instance, getting junior into a car seat, never an easy task when you have full access, is even tougher if access is compromised. The coupe lifestyle can get old. Real old. Been there, done that.

 

 

Ford ended production of Thunderbird in 1997. A two passenger Thunderbird, which aped "retro" styling cues popular at the time (the car resembled a '55 Thunderbird),  appeared in 2002 and was sold through 2005.

Coupes were rarely anything more than their sedan brethren with two fewer doors and a raked back windshield. That whimsical styling, however, gave at least the impression that the car was more than an appliance. Sadly, today, as good as cars are, their lack of styling lends them to be little more than soulless appliances. Fantastic appliances but still soulless.

They don't make them like this anymore.

 

1975 Chevrolet Monza Towne Coupe - Weren't the 70s a Drag?



 

 

Having had the misfortune of being born in the mid 1960's, that meant I had to grow up in the 1970's - a decade that certainly had its challenges. Vietnam, Watergate, Nixon, two gas crisis, a double dip recession, Jimmy Carter, Iran, bell bottoms. Even the Yankees stunk for a good part of the decade. For the most part, 1970's cars were terrible too. Here's one of the 1970's more loathsome if forgettable bombs, a Chevrolet Monza. Our canary yellow subject here is a 1975.

 

  

The Chevrolet Monza of the 1970's, there was a Chevrolet Corvair Monza back in the 1960's, was a curious automobile in that it was derived from the notorious Chevrolet Vega. Apparently, despite numerous recalls with the Vega and scathing public sentiment against it, GM still felt compelled to give it not only a second act, but expand upon its role giving Oldsmobile, Buick and Pontiac versions of it as well. What's more, Chevrolet continued to sell the Vega along side the Monza through 1977. That's probably an observation that seems odder today than it did back then - the Monza was longer than the Vega and its styling different enough from it that it, perhaps, appeared to buyers back then as a totally different car. Nonetheless, Monza significantly outsold Vega those three model years when the two models were for sale on the same showroom floors.  

 

 

 

In it's day, Monza was heralded, if anything, as a styling success. John DeLoreon going so far as to call the swoopy 2+2 model an "Italian Vega" since it borrowed several design cues from the then current Ferrari 365 GTC/4. Our subject is the more conservatively styled "Town Coupe". If I was shopping for a new car in the mid 1970's I'd have skipped over both of these little crappers and bought a Camaro.

 

 

Were the Monza was decidedly not "Ferrari like" was under the hood. That's a "steel sleeved" version of the infamous aluminum, overhead cam, 2.3 liter  in line 4 cylinder Vega engine. This engine had been notorious for burning oil, shaking itself apart and head gasket failure but by 1975 Chevrolet had engineered most if not all of its issues out. Credit the steel sleeving of the cylinders for a lot of that. An optional 262 cubic inch V-8 was optional in 1975 and 1976 before it was replaced with new for 1976, Chevrolet 305. I know. A V-8 in a car this small but keep in mind this was the 1970's so those V-8's weren't that powerful. Also, these little cars weren't that light at 3,200 pounds fully loaded. The Vega 4 cylinder engine was replaced by the new, Pontiac built, 2.5 liter, "Iron Duke" 4 cylinder engine for 1977 through the end of the Monza's production run in 1980.  

 

In a day and age before the imports became as popular as they eventually did, when just the concept of cross over sport utility vehicles was still decades away and fuel economy ruled the buying decisions of many buyers looking for an inexpensive vehicle, the Chevrolet Monza did quite well. Chevrolet averaged approximately 150,000 of them sold each year from 1975-1980. Pretty decent. Couple those numbers with sales of the Monza's corporate cousins  the Oldsmobile Starfire, Pontiac Sunbird and Buick Skyhawk, and General Motors owned a size able share of the subcompact market in the 1970's. Which makes us recall John Lennon's quote shortly before he died, "weren't the 70's a drag?" Yes, John. They were. 

 

1998 Oldsmobile Eighty Eight - Failure To Dream

 

Oldsmobile was named after its founder, Ransom E. Olds.  

The 2014 model year marks the 10th anniversary of the end of General Motors' late, sometimes great but more often than not mediocre, Oldsmobile division.

 

Oldsmobile, not Ford, produced the world's first mass produced automobile (1901).  

In the the last ten years, we've also seen GM go bankrupt and Pontiac, Hummer, Saturn and Saab join Oldsmobile in the bone yard. Rumor has it that if GMC doesn't get it together and is shuttered, that Buick could go off the cliff too leaving once mighty GM with only Chevrolet and Cadillac.
 

 

The Olds Eighty Eight, or "88", historically, was Oldsmobile's middle model between the 78 and 98 series. This Eighty Eight was Oldsmobile's least expensive full size model behind the 98 and Aurora. 

Prior to Oldsmobile's demise ten years ago, a Wall Street analyst noted that GM's problems didn't stem from too many divisions but from a lack of imagination. Did anyone at General Motors with any artistic ability have anything to do with styling this car? With the dubious reputation that American cars had, would even the most pious of buyers, those who wanted nothing more than the most basic of transportation even look at this car? Some did, of course. But by and large they did not.  

  

 

This Oldsmobile "Eighty Eights" was built off GM's front wheel drive "H platform".

It's an oversimplification to say that GM's troubles didn't go beyond their pushing out too many bland, rental/lease fleet ready cars like this 1998 Oldsmobile "Eighty Eight".  But, if the shoe fits the soulless appliance, well...

 

 

This Eighty Eight shares much, mechanically with the Buick LeSabre and Pontiac Bonneville.  

GM sold more than 1.2 million Oldsmobiles in 1985 by having products that were perceived by buyers as great values.  The value proposition has no credence if buyers aren't moved emotionally beyond dollars and cents. By 2000, the year GM announced that Oldsmobile was to be no more by 2004, that sales number had shrunk to around 300,000. Buyers had little interest regardless of price.

 

Oldsmobile stuck around another four years because it took that long for GM to sort things out with their Oldsmobile franchise owners.

 

1992-1999 H body Oldsmobiles, Pontiacs and Buicks are the last American made automobiles to feature "vent windows". Unlike vent windows of yore, they don't open.  

The GM H bodies, like this Eighty Eight, while ample automobiles, were symptomatic of a larger problem; like the man said, GM lacked imagination. Rather than do something they played it safe.

 

And it cost them.

 

 

The last Eighty Eight rolled out of GM's Orion, Michigan plant in 1999.  

If you're in the market, these cars make for a most excellent used car purchase. You'll find them going for significantly less than a comparable Toyota Camry or Honda Accord of similar vintage. This may not have been your father's Oldsmobile but...it could become yours.  Cheers.



1998 Cadillac Eldorado - Darth Vadar's Boudoir

I'm a big fan of the 1992-2002 Eldorado and in particular, Northstar V-8 powered Eldorado Touring Coupes, ETC. (Yes, etcetera) like today's subject. A big, sleek, powerful, stylish, etc, two door sedan. What's not to love?

 

 

My only issue is our subject's very cool but ultimately dreary, black, or what they called charcoal, interior; sure could use a little brightening up in here. In the frigid, sunless North, many of us suffer from seasonal affected depression,  or S.A.D. We'd like something more cheery than Darth Vadar's boudoir to get around in. The silent rush of 300 horsepower from the Northstar V-8 can only do so much to dull the ache that lack of sunshine brings. Still, the interior is  fabulous especially considering the Tupperware-esque junk GM was shilling at the time.   

This car originally stickered at just under $45,000 and for that Brink's truck of money you dumped at the dealership, you got the highest quality Connolly Leather hides you could get. Despite more 250,000 miles on this car's odometer, they still look fantastic. I can only imagine what the interior looks like on my leather trimmed '97 Monte Carlo these days. Then again, my Monte cost less than half of what this Etcetera went for. 16 years later, sitting in a parking lot outside of a Lowe's in Elyria (Cleveland, Ohio suburb), the owner wants a mere $2,500 for the whole thing. And that's to help him cover the cost of replacing a leaky intake manifold gasket. Holy depreciation, Lord Vadar.

 

Despite the low rent asking price I passed. And that broke my heart since I love these cars. The Northstar engines are magnificent performers but get dinged for reliability. I've read dubious stories of cooling system problems and retina searing repair bills for a variety of ills as the engines get older. Take the intake manifold gasket as an example.

Complicating backyard repairs are the fact that these cars are front wheel drive and the engines are transverse mounted. You're not likely to find Tommy the grease monkey flat on his back with a pair of jack stands holding this thing up while he swaps in a small block Chevy.
 

1970 Pontiac Catalina - The Legend of Ron Burgundy's Car

My boys and I were watching "Anchorman" the other night and the scene came on where Ron throws a burrito in Jack Black's face.

  

If you recall, Mr. Black, at the time riding "the only thing he loves", has a horrific crash as a result of being hit with the tasty, handheld Mexican inspired sandwich thrown by Mr. Burgandy. 

While he's fine, save for a nasty raspberry on the left side of his face, things don't go so well for Ron's "best friend", Baxter. While Baxter is ultimately ok, thank goodness, the same can't be said for Ron's car. No, it was never in an accident but I wish it had been totaled.

  

The casting of a 1970 Pontiac Catalina as "Ron's car" is a curious one. Sure, it looks ridiculous and perhaps it's not meant to really be anything as the "Family Truckster" was in the first "Vacation" movie. Then again we are talking about a major Hollywood production where no detail is allegedly overlooked. 

The Pontiac Catalina was a full-size car made by GM's late, sometimes great but more often than not fairly poor to mediocre Pontiac division between 1950 and 1981. Stuck between Chevrolet and Oldsmobile on GM's vaunted "pricing-ladder", you can't say Pontiac didn't roll the design dice using the same platforms and design clay that all the other GM divisions used. Taking those kind of risks is hit or miss and through my foggy goggles, Pontiac swung, missed and tossed the bat into the crowd with their one-year-only, full size Pontiac's that looked like a cross between and Edsel and a dead, beached whale. 


All that said, I now run the risk of attempting to put my money where my mouth is and cast a better "Ron Burgandy car."

It's not as easy as it looks. Kitcsh or schtick is subjective and difficult to execute consistently. Seeing the film was a hodge podge of 1970's style and kitsch, why not a 1970 Jaguar XKE? Ron, baby, imagine, you and Veronica top down on Highway 1 smoothing out the esses in Great Britain's finest. Too Austin Powers for you? Maybe. Besides, aren't you like super tall? You might have have trouble fitting in this car.

If you need more leg room, might I suggest another 1970 GM full-size car like this Cadillac Coupe deVille convertible. Bonus - Cadillac's were built on a longer wheelbase than that Catalina allowing for more, ahem, room in the backseat. White leather seats to match your shoes, Ron.

Not gaudy enough? How about 1967 Ford Thunderbird four-door Laundau. Back in the day swingers like Ron usually didn't drive cars with four doors but there's something oh-so-Ron Burgandy about these abominations Ford pushed out between 1967 and 1971.

How about a 1974 Bricklin SV-1? Oh-so-rare and unique, these are actually terrible automobiles that look like they're so much more than they actually are. Just like you, Ron. Well, part of the joke of "Anchorman" is that Ron is a terrible news anchor and everyone knows it. Except, Ron who thinks he's "the balls".

Keeping things period correct for you, Ron, this 1972 Lincoln Mark IV might get your attention. Not quite sure there's a joke to get here seeing how popular these big Mark's where in the '70's but someone of Ron's (perceived) stature should be driving something more like this than some Pontiac.

Gosh, we could go on forever but last but not least, for now, I bequeath to you another unique rolling joke on balloon tires, this 1970, "1937" SS100 Jaguar. This is a "kit car", not a replica. Well, a kit car that emulates another car. So, it' not a replica. That make sense? This is ultimately a VW Beetle with a rattling, hand assembled body bolted down on it.. Odd and pretentious. Anything more "Ron Burgundy" than this?

Kitsch, in film, is difficult to pull off and to explain as well. That's why, in films like the Anchorman movies, it has to be so accessible and have such universal appeal that people will appreciate it and not even realize what it is. I find the Anchorman movies, most Will Ferrell movies now that I think about it, are hard to watch from start to finish because the "joke" wears me out after like twenty minutes or so. However, if there was a joke with Ron's Catalina I've never gotten it.

1986 Lincoln Town Car - Liberace Was Not Impressed

By the mid 1980's, the automotive generation gap that began in the early 1970's, became even bigger as the foothold for prestige brands, like Mercedes Benz and BMW, became  stronger. Suddenly, a BMW became the ride for young, urban, professionals while the Blue hairs continued to by Lincolns and Cadillacs. It would take nearly thirty years to bridge the gap.

 

 

By '86, what discriminating taste makers demanded could not be found in a Lincoln or Cadillac show room. Save for a price, a softer ride,  and a preference to drive a rolling wedding cake, why would anyone opt for a Town Car over a BMW or Mercedes? Habit? An oblique patriotism manifesting itself in misguided obligation?
 

 

GM and Ford have long hawked Cadillacs and Lincolns that were little more than gussied up versions of  plebeian offerings.  Toyota, Nissan, Acura, Volkswagen (and others) do the same so it's not just "us" that do it. It's the only way large manufacturers can compete with independents, like BMW and Mercedes, at the boutique level.

 

What's important, is that buyers can't tell that their Lexus is actually a Toyota in a tux. The plastic wood trim and ersatz, baroque styling of the '80s Town Car could only do so much to disguise that underneath, the Town Car was a Ford Crown Victoria. Liberace was not impressed.

 

 

1985 Cadillac Eldorado - I Should Know Better

I should know better than to even take a second look at these cars. You know what they say about the word "should". When you use that word, you "should' all over yourself.

 

Seriously, though. I should know better since I had this car's evil cousin, a 1982 Buick Riviera. I'm still digging out from the emotional and financial carnage that was, "The Riv". A car so tortured and corrupt that to this day, this day being twenty five years after I got rid of it, I still use it as the low water mark to judge my cars by. Let's not forget about the third installment in this trilogy of fetching, automotive ineptitude, the Oldsmobile Toronado.

 

 

This vintage of Cadillac Eldorado, save for a 1979 with the fuel injected Olds 350 engine and  the 368, carbureted Cadillac engine in 1980, were complete and utter heart breakers. These gorgeous wrecks rank up there with the best of GM designs from the twentieth century. While my Buick was hardly a power house, with its 148 horsepower Olds 307, it felt like as fast as the Space Shuttle taking off compared to the '82-'85 Eldorado.

 

 

In addition to some pretty shoddy workmanship overall, the biggest problem with this car is under here. The "HT" 4100 V8 that saddled all Cadillacs from 1982-1985 just flat out sucks. In addition to being about as responsive as a Chevette of the same vintage, these engines would dynamite themselves without so much as warning light telling you something was about to go catastrophically wrong. I'd take an '81 with the V-8-6-4 and deactivate the cylinder modulation rather than take this bomb home. I'd love to get my hands on this car (the wife said no way) and swap in a Chevy 350 or better. That's a tall order, though seeing how this is a front wheel drive automobile. Us Sunday mechanic hacks are in way over our heads here.

 

 

Backyard engine swaps are not exactly routine on these cars. Torque goes out the back of the engine and  through the transmission. Then, it gets routed to the front wheels, not the rear. Quite the piece of engineering on The General's behalf. Best to pull everything out from the bottom, not the top. That's hard to do when you have a lift, let alone when you don't.

 

 

The transmission blew up on my '82 Riviera and it cost me $2,000 in 1989 to replace it. I shudder to think what that would run in today's dollars.

 

 

These cars were superbly designed. This trunk has as much usable storage space as the much larger car it replaced. Superb design doesn't mean these cars were screwed together well.

 

 

Still, I can dream. Dream of what this car could be if it had the right heart.

 



 

I can dream. Even though I know I shouldn't.

 

 

 

 

1957 Chevrolet (revisited)

The Car That Built Me - 1957 Chevrolet

Miranda Lambert sings about her childhood home in her Grammy winning single, “The House That Built Me.” The song has inspired many to knock on the front door of their childhood home in the hope of experiencing the kind of evangelical moment that Miranda hopes she’ll have if she can step inside that old house and “take nothing but a memory.” 

 

I did that years ago and found the experience to be less than divine. The House That Built Me, a Dutch Colonial built in 1922 on a postage stamp lot at the entrance to a public park in Baldwin, Long Island (New York) had been totally redone. So much so, that I didn't recognize much of the interior. You can't go home again, son. 

 

When I was a kid my first cousin, who was twenty four years older than me, drove a light blue,  1957 Chevrolet. My mother didn't drive and hated taking the bus so she had my cousin taxi her around all over town. That meant I saw a lot of my cousin and her '57 Chevy. My brother and I would stumble into the back pushing the front seat forward and "complain" about how hard it was to get back there. I loved that. I thought it added to the excitement and specialness of the car. Sure beat Dad's Rambler.  

 

In. the "House that Built Me",  Miranda Lambert's is not singing about loving The House so much as she loves the memories it holds for her.  

 

 

I don't want a 1957 Chevrolet. Tailfins are not my cup of coffee. I am reminded of my cousin every time I see one though and I go back.  I wouldn't mind taking a ride in one and take nothing more than a memory. Tail fins and all.