1994 Lincoln Continental Mark VIII - Super Duper

I can't believe I've been doing this blog for as long as I have an I've never done one on the Ford Motor Company's late, great, ok, kind of great looking, personal luxury car, the Lincoln Continental Mark VIII. That oversight or automotive injustice gets resolved today as I dive into the sagging, inch deep end of the air suspension pool and do a soliloquy on them. Our lovely subject is a '94 for sale in Canton, Ohio. Might be twenty-eight years old but she's got only 64,000 or so miles on her digital ticker. Asking price, is, I wish it were three grand less, $8,995. 

A while back I did a semi-deep dive on the history of the Lincoln "Mark", and you can read that here. Today's blog will focus exclusively on the Mark Eight's. 

For simplicity and clarity's sake, if we define the personal luxury car as a uniquely American idiom, there were a number of luscious two-door luxury coupes out of Germany years ago, there were two succinctly different strata of them back in the day, as they say. You had your every man and woman Chevrolet Monte Carlo, Pontiac Grand Prix, Ford Thunderbird and the like and then there were the super-duper "PSL's". Cars like our Lincoln Continental Mark VIII here along with the Cadillac Eldorado and Lexus SC 300\400 (although a Japanese make and model, it was designed in the United States). Think of those cars like you would brand-new Tesla's today. So expensive they were out of the reach of proletariat slobs. You know. Folks like you and me. 

If I thought the styling on the Mark VII bold, progressive and teetering on "aggressive", imagine what I thought of these things. First time I saw one I thought it looked like a cross between a Star Trek (TV show) and Goodfellas set piece. But it somehow works even if it appears at certain angles it's going to go completely wrong. Remarkably, despite this (ridiculous) vestigial spare-tire trunk hump that Ford (Lincoln) attempted to pass off as a spoiler, (isn't that hysterical?), and gigantic overhangs, it never does. At least through my foggy goggles. Then again, I'm a fan of this sliver of vehicle niche. 

If the outside has a screaming '90's vibe, the interior is even worse. Or better based on your point of view or opinion. Back in the day this was state-of-the-art stuff and made the insides of a Cadillac Eldorado and Lexus SC appear staid, stuffy and dated. Today, check out the cabins on an Eldorado or SC of this vintage and they look refreshingly "classic". This get-up looks kitschy if not all out gimmicky by comparison. At least by 1994 Ford had the good sense to not "do digital" on the speed-o-meter and tach. Allegedly, the leather thrones on our '94 here have been reconditioned. They sure look comfy. That's real wood too. Wafer thin wood but it's the real deal.  

Introduced for model year 1994, the Mark VIII was built off a chassis Ford internally code-named, "FN-10", which was a modified version of the "MN-12" chassis that underpinned the 1989 Ford Thunderbird and Mercury Cougar. Let's give the Ford Motor Company the benefit of the doubt they had a good reason why it took them five years after the launch of the MN-12 Thunderbird and Cougar to whip up the Mark VIII. I recall there being one but after thirty years, or so, I've forgotten what it is. Not like the Fox-body based Mark VII was selling that well.

So, why aren't I at least test driving this blue beauty? Well, first off, at just over an hour away, given a good thirty minutes to crawl all over it before I drive it, I'm past the point in my life where I'll drive a fairly significant distance to just "kick tires" on something I find interesting. And I do find this interesting if for no other reason it's still so "out-there" styling wise. I do wish it were closer and like I said less expensive. NADA guidelines peg this around $4,850 but this is a "post-Pandemic", used car market. Everything is overpriced. Even stuff that most classic car aficionados would steer far and away from. Part of me likes this. I mean, likes this a lot. Maybe if I'm within shouting distance of Canton I'll inquire about it but, again, it's really overpriced. 

While not nearly as bad as the Cadillac Eldorado I drove last weekend, there's a lot of "stuff" to break on these cars and I'm afraid it would just go "poof" in my garage. Namely, the "computer managed fully independent air suspension", and speed-sensitive, variable assist power steering. There are coil-over kits available that are quite reasonable at around $600 or so out of the box. Unless you're dealing with a neighborhood garage, good luck finding a franchised shop that will install "customer bought parts". With that in mind, the swap to coils might run you the dark side of two-grand. Throw your back out. Be a man and do it yourself.

These don't drive especially "special" either. At least not as well to justify their original near $50,000 sticker price. If anything, they're the best execution of the original concept of whatever a personal luxury car was supposed to be and are as much of a throwback to yesteryear as the silly trunk hump. In my experience with "Eights", the steering is over boosted, numb if not dead on-center and there's very little road-feel. Sporty this car is not. This physically big "InTech" V-8 is smooth and responsive but with this much engine, you'd think it should be faster. And it burns premium too. Ouch. At least the "In Tech" has a better reputation than Cadillac's "Northstar". 

The air suspension is cushy but combined with the blasé handling, these are pretty mundane cars. Just like that Eldorado last weekend. And for the record, it's not like driving my wife's (beloved) '95 Lexus SC400 rocks my world either. Our Lexus, however, does soothe and cajole my wife (and I) with a smooth, reassuring, refined manner. It's bullet proof build quality makes us feel like brainiac rock stars for buying it too. It's got a couple of electrical gremlins here and there but aside from that, that car is a rolling bank vault of dependability. We've had it three years and we've put almost thirty thousand miles on it, and it's never given us a single hiccup. 

All this makes me wonder what the point of these super-PSL's was in the first place. Thier inflated sticker prices solidified their exclusivity but at the end of the day, their blasé road manners make me think "automotive Ron Burgandy" more than anything else. Personally, I get what these cars are about but it's hard to explain their appeal. Especially to a generation that wasn't even born yet. As if that matters but I hope you get my gist. You either "get" these cars or you don't. You ain't gotta do no explaining when it comes to why you're driving a $70,000 luxury cross-over. Except maybe how you can afford such a thing on such a modest income. Don't your kids need to eat? 

Ford (Lincoln) sold these through 1998 doing a fairly major update for 1997. I prefer the 1994-1996 models. Your opinion may vary. See dealer for details. Cadillac soldiered on with their Eldorado through 2002. Lexus got out of the PSL business, well, the first time, after 2010. 

1970 Pontiac Catalina - The Legend of Ron Burgundy's Car

My boys and I were watching "Anchorman" the other night and the scene came on where Ron throws a burrito in Jack Black's face.

  

If you recall, Mr. Black, at the time riding "the only thing he loves", has a horrific crash as a result of being hit with the tasty, handheld Mexican inspired sandwich thrown by Mr. Burgandy. 

While he's fine, save for a nasty raspberry on the left side of his face, things don't go so well for Ron's "best friend", Baxter. While Baxter is ultimately ok, thank goodness, the same can't be said for Ron's car. No, it was never in an accident but I wish it had been totaled.

  

The casting of a 1970 Pontiac Catalina as "Ron's car" is a curious one. Sure, it looks ridiculous and perhaps it's not meant to really be anything as the "Family Truckster" was in the first "Vacation" movie. Then again we are talking about a major Hollywood production where no detail is allegedly overlooked. 

The Pontiac Catalina was a full-size car made by GM's late, sometimes great but more often than not fairly poor to mediocre Pontiac division between 1950 and 1981. Stuck between Chevrolet and Oldsmobile on GM's vaunted "pricing-ladder", you can't say Pontiac didn't roll the design dice using the same platforms and design clay that all the other GM divisions used. Taking those kind of risks is hit or miss and through my foggy goggles, Pontiac swung, missed and tossed the bat into the crowd with their one-year-only, full size Pontiac's that looked like a cross between and Edsel and a dead, beached whale. 


All that said, I now run the risk of attempting to put my money where my mouth is and cast a better "Ron Burgandy car."

It's not as easy as it looks. Kitcsh or schtick is subjective and difficult to execute consistently. Seeing the film was a hodge podge of 1970's style and kitsch, why not a 1970 Jaguar XKE? Ron, baby, imagine, you and Veronica top down on Highway 1 smoothing out the esses in Great Britain's finest. Too Austin Powers for you? Maybe. Besides, aren't you like super tall? You might have have trouble fitting in this car.

If you need more leg room, might I suggest another 1970 GM full-size car like this Cadillac Coupe deVille convertible. Bonus - Cadillac's were built on a longer wheelbase than that Catalina allowing for more, ahem, room in the backseat. White leather seats to match your shoes, Ron.

Not gaudy enough? How about 1967 Ford Thunderbird four-door Laundau. Back in the day swingers like Ron usually didn't drive cars with four doors but there's something oh-so-Ron Burgandy about these abominations Ford pushed out between 1967 and 1971.

How about a 1974 Bricklin SV-1? Oh-so-rare and unique, these are actually terrible automobiles that look like they're so much more than they actually are. Just like you, Ron. Well, part of the joke of "Anchorman" is that Ron is a terrible news anchor and everyone knows it. Except, Ron who thinks he's "the balls".

Keeping things period correct for you, Ron, this 1972 Lincoln Mark IV might get your attention. Not quite sure there's a joke to get here seeing how popular these big Mark's where in the '70's but someone of Ron's (perceived) stature should be driving something more like this than some Pontiac.

Gosh, we could go on forever but last but not least, for now, I bequeath to you another unique rolling joke on balloon tires, this 1970, "1937" SS100 Jaguar. This is a "kit car", not a replica. Well, a kit car that emulates another car. So, it' not a replica. That make sense? This is ultimately a VW Beetle with a rattling, hand assembled body bolted down on it.. Odd and pretentious. Anything more "Ron Burgundy" than this?

Kitsch, in film, is difficult to pull off and to explain as well. That's why, in films like the Anchorman movies, it has to be so accessible and have such universal appeal that people will appreciate it and not even realize what it is. I find the Anchorman movies, most Will Ferrell movies now that I think about it, are hard to watch from start to finish because the "joke" wears me out after like twenty minutes or so. However, if there was a joke with Ron's Catalina I've never gotten it.