2016 Chevrolet Malibu - Do You Like Pina Coladas?

 

Much like a song that I didn't care for when it was new and to this day still dislike, it's the rare automobile that I take to over time that I did not appreciate when I first saw it. An example of this is when I first saw the new for 2014 Chevrolet Impala; I was luke warm to it then and I don't like it now. And I don't care how swell an automobile it is either. So, it's really disappointing that my beloved Chevrolet has cast on us another oddly styled rolling toaster, the new for 2016 Malibu. To make matters worse, my wife really likes this car and most if not all reviewers of this car love it too. Go figure.

 



 

It's a shame too how unsightly I find this thing considering how terrific an automobile it is. Longer, lower and lighter than the outgoing Malibu - although less powerful -  the 2016 Chevrolet Malibu represents the very best that General Motors can do to target an automobile at the "middle to low end" of the market and not have it roll out of showrooms and be an up to date version of the Chevrolet Citation. Ha. Lower end of the market; loaded this thing stickers for $37,000. Holy smokes. Then again, I haven't bought a new car since 2002 and I thought the $21,000 I dropped then on a new Ford Taurus to be nothing short of highway robbery.

  

One of the biggest problems I have with this car is that it looks a lot like the Impala. Not being a fan of the Impala, it's not surprising I don't  like this car. It's also so similarly sized to the Impala as to make me wonder why they have this car to apparently bridge the gap between the Cruze and the Impala. By the way, surprise! I loathe the Cruze as well. The Impala goes bigger for 2017. Stay tuned.

  

The 2016 Malibu rides on General Motor's new E2 platform that replaces the short wheel base version of the Epsilon II chassis the previous Malibu rode on. The E2 enables designers and engineers to develop a cabin that has 1.3 inches more rear seat room, important for families, and the car overall is three hundred pounds lighter. Remarkable.

 

This car's base engine is this 1.5 liter, turbocharged in line four that you'll also find under the hood of the new Cruze. With 160 horsepower and 184 foot pounds, down 36 and 2 from the outgoing model, GM estimates 27 miles per gallon city and 37 highway, increases of 2 and 1 miles per gallon. Sounds good on paper but I'd be hard pressed to believe that you won't be working the daylights out of this little turbo engine to get it to do anything. I'm not a big fan of turbocharged engines, by the way. There's also dual-motor electric-power-steering setup that no doubt increases steering feel and is not a parasitic draw on engine power like hydraulic pumps are. Trick aluminum suspension components add to the dramatic weight reduction. The 2016 Malibu handles like a slot car despite the turbos and unsightly sheet metal and interior design.

  

The engine to get is the revised 2.0 liter, turbocharged in line four.  Down 9 horsepower and 37 pound feet (whoa...that's a ton) to 250 and 258 respectively, allegedly the drop in engine power is mitigated by not only the reduction in curb weight but by GM's new 8 speed automatic. Hmm, kay. This is still a turbocharged automobile with all the herky-jerky, shook up bottle of soda performance that I find so irritating. Note, picture is of a 2.0 turbo engine from a 2013 Malibu.

 

What I wouldn't give to get a direct injected 3.6 liter V-6 in this thing. Who am I kidding? I hate this car...what do I care?

The interior, which is lauded for its design and up to date features looks, to me, cluttered, dense and complex. Somehow they've crammed pedestrian detection with automatic braking, lane-keeping assist, lane-departure warning, blind-spot monitoring, forward-collision warning with automatic braking, rear cross-traffic alert, front and rear parking sensors, automatic parking, automatic high beams, and adaptive cruise control into that dashboard binnacle. C'mon, really? I don't want to have to read a manual or watch a twenty minute DVD over and over on how to operate this thing. More stuff to break too. Is it me or do I sound like a curmudgeon? Time for my nap.
 

 

Blue Tooth and lots of airbags - that's all you need. The new Malibu has ten airbags but there's nothing less sexy than buying a car simply because of safety features.

 

Again, my problem with this car is the styling inside and out not so much the technology it's packed with. I can live with the frickin' turbo and without a V-6. Some of the technology, like this screen that can keep tabs on your kid's driving habits, is really quite intriguing but I don't believe you should be able to access this information why you are driving. I've also gone thirty five years of driving without all this stuff so I doubt I would find it useful in the long haul.

 

I know I'm fairly alone in the sentiment that this car is homely and I run the risk of coming across like the old fogey who doesn't like change. That's not the case. I embrace change that makes sense and while this car does have a lot of good going for it, the styling, to me at least, leaves a lot to be desired. Just like Rupert Holmes' "Do You Like Pina Coladas?", it's not going to grow on me.