Buick Cascada - Frequent Flyer At the Doctor's Office

For as long as I can remember Buick has periodically attempted to downplay their old fart image with a series of ads touting that such and such Buick is, "not a Buick". And while Buick has done very well of late with a bevy of small to mid size cross overs that have hit a sweet spot with younger female buyers, our Buick Cascada here looks to be the perfect ride for those who are frequent flyers at the doctor's office. Can Buick be all things to all people young and old? Yes, it's possible but difficult and it's always best to market "younger" when you're attempting to reach as wide a demographic as possible. The age old adage being that you can get an old man to drive a young man's car but a young man won't drive an old man's car.

The Cascada, cascada is spanish for waterfall, sails in the very shallow waters of the "affordable convertible" market. A niche market clogged with a bevy of offerings of which most if not all are vastly superior to this underpowered, overweight, shimmying, under engineered rolling bathtub. For similar money to what you'd cough up each month for this thing you could be in an Audi A3 Cabriolet, Mini Cooper, Mazda Miata or Fiat 124 Spider, a Fiat 500 C or base models of the Chevrolet Camaro or Ford Mustang. Smart fortwo offers a convertible in the "affordable range", but that car has the dubious distinction of being even less hip than this Cascada. 

Far be it for me to wonder why anyone would choose a Cascada over any of those other makes and models (save for the Fiat 500) given my taste in automobiles but I have to wonder if Grand Dad and Grand Ma actually test drove their Cascada before trading in their Park Avenue on something "sporty". Powered by this top of the line 200 horsepower, 1.6 liter turbocharged in line 4, this little engine doesn't stand much of chance getting this two ton porker up to interstate speed so Gramps doesn't get rear ended by a some texting kid driver in a pickup. Yeah, the Cascada weighs almost 4,000 pounds. What did they make it out of, cast iron? Question, since the car is loosely based on the soon to be departed Buick Verano, why isn't the 250 horsepower, turbocharged 2.0 liter engine available on the Verano on the Cascada's options list?

Because, drum roll, the Cascada is as much a "Buick" as the Regal is; they're both rebadged Opels. GM's awesome turbo 2.0 is not available on the Opel Cascada and there's no way in damnation GM was going to spend the money to retrofit an engine into a car they're importing. And while their Opel counter parts might work along side each other "over there", Opel is one of those GM super brands across the pond, much like Buick is in China, that can do whatever they want, over here it just doesn't work.

Doesn't work inasmuch as this car is exactly the type of car Buick attempts to dispel when they roll cute as a button, feisty 'ol Granny who adorably croaks out, "that's not a Buick"!

Well, fear not Granny for Buick still builds cars that are "Buicks" like our Cascada here. And while I have your attention, do your family a favor - if you're going to spend your kid's inheritance before you leave God's green earth on something frivolous like a convertible, spend it on something that at least they'll remember you fondly for.

So, the next time Buick rolls out their stunningly obnoxious ad campaigns about what a Buick is or isn't keep the Cascada in mind as to what Buick really thinks a Buick is. 

2017 Honda Accord - Dire Straits

 

 

Just one look at a 2017 Honda Accord sedan and you can see why the "three box", four door sedan is dying a slow but steady death. I mean, with as many exciting looking cross overs on the market as there are today, this is what they come out with?  Does it not look as through it was styled by the same yahoos who penned the 2006 Chrysler Sebring sedan?

 

 

In fairness, the Honda Accord sedan has never been about jaw dropping, eye popping sheet metal but still, given how all around fantastic the car actually is, you'd think Honda stylists could have come up with something a bit more interesting than this. Gotta hand it to Mazda for attempting to at least keep things interesting in the garage with a bevy of progressive looking sedan designs that sorta-kinda combine a cross over design ethos with a sedan.  I didn't say I like them but I applaud their efforts.

 

 

Inside things are little better but even here things are as staid and generic as it gets these days. Swap the H logo on the steering wheel for a bowtie and no one wouldn't think this wasn't the new (and oh god so homely) Malibu or the next Impala.

 

 

I more than understand how difficult it is to keep reinventing the same thing every four to five years. In broadcasting, we have to reinvent ourselves every day; the challenge is in keeping it interesting within certain guidelines. And in broadcasting today we face the similar challenge of ever new, different and exciting choices for people to be entertained and informed by. Was the 2016 Accord, our subject is a 2017, really Honda's best attempt to keep things interesting looking within even their own self imposed conservative guidelines. 

 

 

The future of the three box, four door sedan is dire and it honestly has more to do with the rise in sales of cross overs than anything that manufacturers are doing wrong with sedans. CUV's are so different from sedans that there's nothing sedan designers and engineers could have done to offset their rise in popularity. Although, boring appliances like this Accord sedan certainly don't help matters. Can manufacturers come out with a sedan that combines everything that buyers want in a cross over? Honda tried that with the late great Crosstour that went over as well as selling ice cream to Eskimos. Again, the sedan as we have known it to be, is in dire straits.

Schwinn Krates - The Apple (Krate) of My Eye

Those of us born at the tail end of the baby boom generation missed out on literally all the good stuff they, they being the earlier boomers, had to experience. Instead of the unbridled ebullience they had, us "Tweeners" were raised on a steady diet of assassinations, Vietnam, Watergate, Presidential resignations, gas shortages, federally mandated safety bumpers, a double dip recession, disco, the AMC Pacer and who knows what else. For the record, we had as much to do with the landslide of bullshit occurring in this country in the 1970's as they had to do with the Wonder Years they had growing up in the 50's and 60's. So, for you "early boomers" who think you're all that since you're a boomer, stick it in your ear. You just got born lucky.

An example of us being born too late were Schwinn Krates. New for 1968 and only made through 1973 - just as I was becoming of "real bike" age, the Krates were the embodiment of everything that used to be great. Just like the muscle cars they were patterned after which were for all intents and purposes had dissolved by 1973 as well. Was it a coincidence that Watergate began to percolate and the first gas crunch hit us in the fall of '73 too? Can't blame 1973 for having an inferiority complex. Anyway, Schwinn Krates were the hands down most awesome bike in the world and if you had one you were automatically a member of the cool kids club. Newsflash - I never got one.

So, what was a Schwinn Krate? Legend has it that in the early 1960's Schwinn's head stylist took notice that kids in Southern California were customizing their bikes to look like motor cycles and muscle cars. Knowing a good idea when he saw one, he took a 20 inch bike frame and put a banana seat and "ape hanger" handle cars on it and dubbed it "Sting-Ray". The fact that Chevrolet came out with the Corvette Sting-Ray in 1963 too no doubt doing wonders for marketing. There was an update in 1965 that included a two speed shifter but 1968 was the year that Schwinn took the Sting-Ray theme to the extreme when they came out with the Krates.

Krates featured front and rear suspension via articulating forks in front and a spring loaded sissy bar for a "floating saddle" out back. Braking was equally sophisticated with a drum style front brake and a mechanical disc in the rear. Remember we're talking 1968 here; this was pretty heady stuff. You could make an argument that Schwinn Krates were more sophisticated than many cars.

Topping off the glorious mix of chrome, steel, rubber and flamboyant colors was a 5 speed shifter mounted oh so precariously on the top tube of the frame. I recall riding a friend's well worn Pea Picker on the up and down sidewalk slabs of Overlook Place staring down at that shifter that appeared poised to castrate me with little provocation. You'll notice on a rash of "new" Krates that came out in the '90's that this literal ball buster had been "shifted" elsewhere. 

My choice, of course, would have been to have an "Apple Krate" but, again, by the time I got a bike Krates were no longer available brand new so I got a disparate knock off like this. At least it was red but it was kind of like getting a six cylinder Barracuda when I really wanted a Camaro Z/28. Mattered little though since I had bigger problems to worry about when I was a kid than crying in my Corn Flakes that I didn't get the bike I really wanted.

When I was a kid the trappings of wealth fascinated me since "being rich" and everything that came along with it seemed as obtainable as my walking on the moon. Ultimately, though, it mattered little in the big picture since there was no guarantee that "rich kids" would become "rich adults". Or appear to be rich. Success as much as failure never being permanent, I often wonder what kind of person I'd be today had I, and I say this purely as a metaphor, gotten an Apple Krate and everything that would imply when I was kid. Just like I wonder what I'd be like had I been born sooner and gotten to partake in the post war "Happy Days" the earlier boomers got to experience. 

Toyota Prius - Kick Me

My take away after a brief and expensive cab ride in January in one of these was that the Toyota Prius has a surprisingly cavernous albeit austere interior. Road noise was also abundant although the car itself was church mouse quite save for the whir-whir-whir of what I believe was a worn out right rear wheel bearing. Aside from the generously sized cabin, the only upside I can deduce about the thing was that the cab company owning it was saving a considerable amount of money on gas since Prius', on average, are rated at about 50 miles per gallon. That's pretty darn good. So good, in fact that outside of a plug-in hybrid, you can't do better than that these days with either a gas or diesel powered automobile.

But, oh, what you give up for the sake of great gas mileage. Getting great gas mileage with a car this ugly is lost on me since for my money, I can get excellent gas mileage with a far less expensive and better looking "PZEV" [practically zero emissions vehicle]. What's more, there's no goofy compromises in handling, braking and all around performance in a "PZEV" that you have to put up with with these things. Does a PZEV get as good gas mileage as a Prius? No, but at nearly 40 miles per gallon it's close enough to what the Prius gets to negate what a Prius has to offer.

Now, don't get me wrong, I respect the technology and engineering but the over all design of Prius' I find to be insufferably dorky. I mean, c'mon, man, look at this thing. It's the perfect ride for science fiction fans and the president of the computer club after he managed to get himself out of the gym locker someone stuffed him into. The best vanity plate for one of these would be, "KICK ME".

So, what exactly is a Prius. Well, there is some confusion as to what it is and also what hybrids are in general. At it's most elemental and at the risk of over simplification, there are two types of hybrids, "mild hybrids" and "parallel" or "full hybrids". Mild hybrids are gasoline or diesel powered cars that have an electric motor to assist the engine. In many cases, mild hybrids don't get much better mileage than their "non-hybrid" brethren but their electric motors can increase a vehicle's performance exponentially.  Full or parallel hybrids like our Prius are battery powered cars that have a gasoline engine to assist the electric motor. Big difference between a gas engine assisting an electric motor and vice versa. Mileage differences are significant as well.

Toyota offers their "Hybrid Snyergy Drive" across nearly their entire range of models and many Lexus models too. While they don't get the gas mileage that our Prius here gets, owners of those "Hybrids" don't have the compromises that Prius owners have to endure either. That's to say nothing of its wonky, strange and distinctive styling for the sake of being strange and distinctive. Ironically, the Lexus version of the Prius, something they call the "ct200h", is such a handsome automobile that it transcends the fact that it's a "hybrid". If Toyota made the Prius look more like its Lexus cousin I wouldn't be getting on my hate on for it like I am.

There's no doubt that the future of motorized transportation is going to be electrified and their development over the last twenty years has been nothing short of remarkable. The growing pains that many hybrids and now plug ins have is all part of the development process. Good thing there are people out there patient enough and with deep enough pockets to put up with the nonsense. I'm not one of them. Let me know when the future is here and without compromise.

"Prius" is latin for "to go before".

 

 

1992 Jaguar XJS - Scent of a Woman

When most people think of the car in Al Pacino's 1992 tour de force, "Scent of a Woman", they think of the Ferrari Mondial t that Charlie and the Colonel test drive on their weekend jaunt through Manhattan. However, that ugly Ferrari, serisouly, a Mondial t and not an F40, 348 or even a 456? was not the most important car in the film. That dubious distinction belongs to another very expensive European and veddy British make, a 1992 Jaguar XJ-S. 

To appreciate how wonderfully cast that bastion, or should I say bastard, of British engineering was in "Scent of a Woman", we have to take several steps backward in time and look through the lens of the automotive time period the movie was set in. Lexus had a little more than a toehold in this country at the time and certainly no Cadillac or Lincoln could have fit the bill as the car an imperious, maligned authority figure would drive. BMW and Mercedes were for the bourgeois nouveau riche as well. Even if they were vastly superior automobiles. In the early '90's Jaguar still represented "old school money" in ways that few other "motor cars" of that time period could. And with that, everything good, bad and indifferent that that implies. 

Introduced in 1976, the Jaguar XJ-S had the unenviable task of replacing the legendary but very old XKE. While certainly not the roaring sports car the XKE was, the XJ-S quickly became the embodiment of wealth, privilege and entitlement despite the fact that it was a plodding, floaty, underpowered mess of an automobile. The XJ-S was also so out of this world unobtainable that it seemed only "Old Money" could afford one. What's more, Jaguar's were almost as well known for being unreliable as they were for being status symbols.

"Scent of a Woman" is the story of Charlie Simms, a teenage boy attending "The Baird School", an elite and exclusive college prep school. Unlike many of his classmates, Charlie is not "made" and attends the school on scholarship. To earn money for a trip back home to visit his family for Thanksgiving, he takes a job babysitting a retired, blind, Army Colonel. Before that happens, though, Charlie is witness to several students setting up a prank that will damage the Jaguar belonging to Mr. Trask, the school's despised headmaster.  

Again, there were few cars then, and the same is true today, that captures the essence of wealth and power like a Jaguar and in particular, an XJ-S. Mr. Trask's Jaguar was held in such high regard that it even made the bratty frat boys at "The Baird School" swoon with jealousy. It made for a perfect foil for the malicious prank that's at the center of "Scent of a Woman". 

Argue all you want that "Scent" was an Al Pacino movie and in many ways, of course, it was. However, the film is more about character, ethics and principle than anything else. The film is also highly flawed much like old Jaguars and is, candidly, totally unbelievable. We believe that it is a great film because Pacino is so wonderful in it as is the entire cast; Pacino won a Best Actor Oscar for his performance. How else can we possibly buy into the elaborate stunt pulled upon Mr. Trask and his Jaguar let alone Charlie's absurd reticence and then absolvement in front of the entire student body at the film's end? Pure Hollywood. This is to say nothing about the irascible Colonel Frank Slade. As big and unlikeable an asshole as the world has ever known. Yet, somehow, we not only like "The Colonel", we, the audience, absolutely adore him in the same way we adore old Jaguars.

By the way, the woman The Colonel dances with in the famous tango scene is named Donna. "Donna", in Italian, means "woman".

2007 Chevrolet Monte Carlo SS - This Too Shall Pass

My recent "cheap car search" unearthed this gem up in Lockport, New York. It's the rarest of all front-wheel-drive Chevrolet Monte Carlo's, a 2007, and being an "SS", she's rarer still. She's got only 62,500 miles on her fifteen-year-old digital ticker and the asking price was a quite reasonable $10,800. 

Now, granted, I'm not exactly in the market for one of these nor do I really want to spend quite that much on something. Factor in taxes, dealer prep and the challenges of buying a car in one state and registering and titling it in another, at the end of the day I'd be out of pocket the dark side of $12,000. Compared to what some people are spending on cars, however, used or new, it's a drop in the bucket. Still, while not every one's cup of Moutain Dew, this a lot of car for the money.  

I found it over Memorial Day Weekend, they were closed of course, and I got on the phone with a woman at the dealership first thing Tuesday morning. Somewhat to my delight, the car was available. Thing is, Lockport is a four-hour drive from my home here on the far west side of Cleveland, Ohio. Although I was "in the office" on Tuesday, my office is in Youngstown, Ohio which, depending on a number of different routes, is 93 to 97 miles southeast of where I live, it's still three and a half hours straight south of Lockport. So, I wasn't about to just traipse on up there. Not with gas at four dollars and fifty goddamn cents a gallon. My time is precious too. 

Although the woman at the dealership was pleasant sounding, when I asked her if we could do a Facetime "walkaround" of the car, because it was the "end of the month" and they had more than one-hundred and thirty inquiries over the weekend to get to, it might be a while before that could get set up. I tried to get her to clarify what "a while" would mean and she was evasive. I told her I was four hours out and that if someone could set this up for me asap, I could probably figure out a way to make my way up there if everything looked up to snuff on the FB call. My biggest concern on these cars is rust around the front and rear wheel wells. Especially the rears. So, I waited for a call back. And waited. No one ever called. 

Somewhat irked, more by the poor customer service than anything, I texted the dealership yesterday morning to ask if the car was still available and got an auto-response bounce back, "I'll get with my sales department and let you know". I texted two more times out of spite, I know all text inquiries go to a central bank that many can see at the dealership and, voila, I got a response from the woman I spoke with on Tuesday. 

She apologized saying the car had sold. 

It's not the first time during The Pandemic that I've been put off by poor to terrible customer service at an automobile dealership. Back in the days before Covid, you contact a dealership either by phone, text or email, and the son of a guns wouldn't leave you alone until you threated legal action. These days, the market is so hot they don't have to keep contacting you because they know that everything sells. Even the odd ball stuff that I'm interested in. This too, as they say, shall pass. 

Granted, had the car been even a hundred miles closer, I might have been more inclined to make the drive and check it out for myself rather than wait for someone to call me and do a virtual call. Still, some sort of call back before or after the car got sold would have been nice.