Buick Cascada - Frequent Flyer At the Doctor's Office

For as long as I can remember, Buick has periodically attempted to downplay its old-fart image with a series of ads touting that such-and-such Buick is "not a Buick." And while Buick has done very well of late with a bevy of small- to midsize crossovers that have hit a sweet spot with younger buyers and women, our Buick Cascada here looks to be the perfect ride for those who are frequent flyers at the doctor's office. Can Buick be all things to all people, young and old? Yes, it's possible, but difficult, and it's always best to market "younger" when you're attempting to reach as wide a demographic as possible. The age-old adage being that you can get an old man to drive a young man's car, but a young man won't drive an old man's car.

The Cascada—cascada is Spanish for "waterfall"—sails in the very shallow waters of the "affordable convertible" market, a niche market clogged with a bevy of offerings, most of which are arguably superior to this underpowered, overweight, shimmying, under-engineered rolling bathtub. For similar money to what you'd cough up each month for this thing, you could be in an Audi A3 Cabriolet, MINI Cooper Convertible, Mazda Miata, or, once it arrived for the 2017 model year, a Fiat 124 Spider. You could also look at a Fiat 500C or base convertible models of the Chevrolet Camaro or Ford Mustang. Smart offered a convertible Fortwo as well, but that car has the dubious distinction of being even less hip than this Cascada.

Far be it for me to wonder why anyone would choose a Cascada over any of those makes and models—given my taste in automobiles, but I have to wonder if Granddad and Grandma actually test-drove their Cascada before trading in their Park Avenue on something "sporty." Powered by a top-of-the-line 200-horsepower, 1.6-liter turbocharged inline-four, this little engine doesn't stand much of a chance getting this nearly 4,000-pound porker up to interstate speed so Gramps doesn't get rear-ended by some texting kid in a pickup.

Because, drum roll, the Cascada is about as much a "Buick" as the Regal is; both were Opel-derived products sold here with Buick badges. GM's awesome turbo 2.0 wasn't offered in the Opel Cascada, either, so there was no existing factory application to simply drop into the Buick. And there's no way in damnation GM was going to spend the money engineering a new engine installation for a relatively low-volume convertible being imported from Europe.

And while their Opel counterparts might work alongside each other "over there," Opel was one of GM's global brands across the pond, much like Buick was—and remains—in China, that could do things its American Buick counterpart couldn't. Over here, however, it just doesn't work.

Doesn't work inasmuch as this car is exactly the type of car Buick attempts to dispel when they roll out a cute-as-a-button, feisty ol' Granny who adorably croaks out, "That's not a Buick!"

Well, fear not, Granny, for Buick still builds cars that are "Buicks" like our Cascada here. And while I have your attention, do your family a favor—if you're going to spend your kids' inheritance before you leave God's green earth on something frivolous like a convertible, spend it on something that at least they'll remember you fondly for.

So, the next time Buick rolls out one of its stunningly obnoxious ad campaigns about what a Buick is or isn't, keep the Cascada in mind as an example of what Buick really thinks a Buick is.