2022 Ford Bronco - Coal In My Stocking

Leave it to my wife to not pick up on my not-so-subtle hints that I wanted a two-door Ford Bronco for Christmas. I've only been openly clamoring for one since they first came out back in 2019 for model year 2020 and this year, with my 2002 Dale Earnhardt Chevrolet Monte Carlo SS not only passing the 250,000-mile marker but is now hard charging towards 300K, I pushed harder than ever. Alas, there was no Bronco in my driveway with a big red bow on top Christmas morning. She got me golf stuff instead. Shoot, she might as well have put coal in my stocking. 

Of course, I'm kidding. Asking someone to surprise you with a vehicle is a lot of pressure to put on them. Especially if that person is a "car-person" like me who will scrutinize every single last detail and suck all the joy out of the moment. So much can go wrong. Especially with a vehicle that's more configurable than a 1970's Cadillac. 

For 2023 Ford offers no less than ten-different "Broncos". There's the base Bronco, the Big Bend, Black Diamond, Outer Banks, Badlands, Wild Trak, Everglades, Raptor, Heritage and lastly, but certainly not least expensively, the Bronco Heritage Limited. All of these different iterations available with an insane amount of option packages and accessories pushing the sticker price from approximately $32,000 to just under, $110,000. Holy-Sasquatch!

I haven't even drilled down on a specific color I'd want to say nothing about whether I should opt for a "Kayak Roof Rack" or "Front Bumper Winch". What if she got me the "Tube Doors" when I really wanted the "Bimini Soft Top"? Would she think to ask if she could get the base Bronco with the Raptor's 418-horsepower engine? What about asking if the Oxford White wheels from the Heritage model are available on the base model too? 

While my wife is the most intelligent person I know, there is the distinct possibility as well as she may come home with a completely different Bronco called the Bronco Sport. Why Ford came out with two different vehicles that share the same first name is a real head scratcher; supposedly it's all about "building the brand".  Then again, these are the same folks who festoon "Mustang" to an all-electric crossover. For the record, the Bronco Sport is based off the latest iteration of the (very capable) Ford Escape meanwhile my beloved Bronco is built off the current Ford Ranger pickup truck chassis. Might sound trivial, but it's the difference between what's defined as a "truck" these days and a "tall car". 

I haven't even driven one yet to have any idea what version I'd want; can you test drive each of the ten versions? Therefore, my appreciation of these things is purely visceral, like that crush I had on the captain of the cheer leading squad in high school whom I never spoke a word to. I want one just because I think they're cool looking. Gosh, what if my wife got me one and when I drove it, in my heart of hearts that all-knowing, painfully honest little voice in my head said, "I hate this thing". Been there done that and let me tell you, that's not fun and such experiences have led my wife and I to both suffer from an all but paralyzing fear of "buyer's remorse".  

These things aren't cheap either. Glancing quickly at spec sheets and sales brochures I figure I'd want a "Badlands", two-door, with the 2.7-liter, "Ecoboost" V-6, 10-speed automatic, "Full Time AWD",  "4.7" axle, "mid-package" equipment group, "Sasquatch" package, retractable top, "bash plates" (I have no idea what they are, but they sound cool), Marine Grade, heated vinyl seats, SYNC 4 "voice recognition" and the whole thing slathered in "Area 51" (it's a grey blue) paint. Total, before taxes and fees but with destination charges is a not-as-much as I thought it would be $53,300. Yeah, not as much as I thought but that's still an eff-ton of money. 

The handy-dandy calculator on the Ford.com website guesstimates my\our monthly payment at $906 a month for sixty-months. Whoa. That's with ten-percent down and 5% APR too. Throw in taxes, whatever nonsensical dealer installed accessories I'd have to have and we're pushing $60,000. Say that slowly and it sounds like even more. Sixty. Thousand. Dollars. Good grief. With no money down for sixty months, I'm looking at around $1,200 a month. Ford can stretch the payments out to seventy-two months (six-years!) that would drop payments down to around a grand-a-month. I've seen some car companies offer up to eighty-four monthly payments. Allow me to examine the head of anyone who'd think that's a good idea. 

This, meaning my acquisition of a new or late model Ford Bronco, will never happen. They're just too damn expensive. Now, granted, and at the risk of humble bragging, we can afford these payments, but my wife and I choose not to. And there's a certain empowerment to choosing not to that most people, sadly, either ignore or don't realize is a viable option for them. Leasing doesn't make sense either since lease payments for thirty-six months are quite similar to sixty purchase payments; leasing longer is an even bigger waste of money especially if the buyout is exorbitant. Which it most like will be to get love-struck Jamokes into a vehicle they shouldn't be in. 

What to do then? Well, we wait. We wait for something catastrophic to happen to the ole "Dale" and then we'll make the most prudent, cost-efficient decision we can. And, again, that decision will most certainly not be for a Ford Bronco "Badlands". No matter how much (I think) I want one.