You may wonder what these oh-so-boxy SUV's with Mercedes-Benz logos on them are. They're called "G-Wagons". G-Wagon a colloquialism for "Galendewagen" which is German for "cross-country vehicle". I pronounce Galendewagen, ahem, "Gah-lend-dah-VAH-gen"; do the same and lean on the "vah" so people think you're as big a douchebag as the people who drive these monstrosities are. Sorry, that's harsh. I should say, like many of them are. I believe this one hails from model year 2017. It was sitting next to my oh-so-humble, 2009 Toyota RAV4 when I left my gym this morning.
Bad enough this is a G-Wagen but, good grief, it's also a G63 AMG; AMG is the high-performance subsidiary of Mercedes-Benz. While owned by M-B, AMG hires independent engineers to customize M-B's turning what are already fearsome vehicles, into out-of-this-world fearsome vehicles.
The numbers in Mercedes-Benz' alpha numeric naming scheme used to denote the size of the engine, legend has it M-B's with a "63" are paying homage to their legendary 6.2-liter V-8 from back in the day. Wait, what? Makes no sense to me either. Our G-Vah-Gen here has a 5.5-liter engine.
Mercedes-Benz has been selling "G-Wagens", which, at first, were military vehicles homogenized for civilian duty, since 1979 but only in the U.S. since 2002. Before then, at considerable expense, rich muckity-mucks could circumvent the system through the grey-market and have them imported and federalized through Mexico. Shit like that is what you do when you have more money than you know how to spend it.
Changes over the years, externally and internally, have been incremental so a 2002 G-VAH-gen doesn't look that much different from this one. They've never been cheap, not that any Mercedes-Benz is, but this one would have stickered when new for around $150,000. Used, this could go for more than $100,000 but seeing this is parked outside my crapola gym west of Cleveland, Ohio, it's probably worth about $60,000. New ones go for around $200,000 today. I know. Insanity.
You could still pay $50,000 for a 2002 G-Wagen that's in near mint condition while you could get my dream car, a 2002 CL500 in really good shape for like five-grand. I don't have one because they're unreliable and stupid expensive to repair; G's are notoriously expensive to repair as well. Saving grace on the G's made before 2018, because they date in design back to the 1970's, they tend to be more reliable. However, this being a modern M-B and a "BITURBO", meaning not one but two turbos to "boost" it's horsepower to 563 and 561 lb-ft of torque, hopefully, the owner has some sort of warranty or has a close friend who can fix it with some degree of affordability. Brace for impact, when the engine detonates, and it will, friend or not, they're gonna get a repair bill that will kick them in the wiener schnitzel.
At the risk of sounding jealous, I swear I'm not, but from the get-go, I have never seen what people see in these things; I think they're homely and they ride and handle like farm tractors. Steering wanders off center and needs constant attention, the ride is agricultural and will rattle fillings loose; try "Sport Mode" for tooth extractions. Upside, with as much power as these have, they're incredibly fast. Problem is that they're little more than fast gets old pretty quick. But you look rich so who cares, right?
I "get" vehicles that have an industrial design ethos, like older Jeeps, Toyota Land Cruisers, Land Rovers, International Harvesters and whatever; there's a rugged, pretension free charm to them. They're cool. However, drive one and your opinion may change. They look the way they do because they're purpose built; they're function over form. Anything designed to look cool as opposed to being intrinsically cool is not cool. When M-B came out with a totally new G-Wagen in 2018 that quelled much of the John Deere-ness of these things, they became far less kuhl.
What I don't "get" is the repurposing and marketing to the wealthy such things because, again, at the end of the day, they're not any better and oftentimes worse than something costing a fraction of what these go for. Imagine dropping more than high-five or six-figures on something and on the drive home that little "buyers-remorse" voice whispers in your ear, "oh, god...what have you done?" Been there done that on three-figure vehicles let alone five and six.
People make incredible mistakes when it comes to their vehicle purchases and a-holes like me cheer them on too; I love to live vicariously through the financial mistakes of others. My go-to line when someone is struggling with the guilt of a purchase they regret is, "don't sweat it; you deserve it!" Well, what else would I say?
Giving the owner of this thing the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they love it for what it is like I love my 1991 Corvette convertible; I don't give a damn what anybody thinks about me or my car. More than likely, though, someone wants to make a statement and is showing off. Showing off something they probably shouldn't have bought in the first place. You poor thing, how much did it cost you to get it to pass the Ohio e-check?
If you must have one, try and spend as much time as possible with it, like an entire weekend, before you sign on the dotted line. The flinty-ness of them may suck you back down to earth in a hurry. Hope the accolades of strangers is worth it because if you grow to hate it, you're gonna be stuck with it.
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