It's been three years since I parted ways with my beloved—but long-in-the-tooth, rusty, semi-trusty—2002 Dale Earnhardt Chevrolet Monte Carlo SS. Sigh.
Funny, I loved "The Dale" despite everything that was wrong with it, much to the horror of NASCAR fans. Rust had finally gotten the best of "him", but it was time to move on anyway after owning five GM W-body coupes dating back to 1990. Even this very cherry 2006 Monte Carlo SS with just 48,000 miles can't sway me. There are several reasons why, not the least of which is its nearly $20,000 asking price.
Chevrolet introduced this generation of Monte Carlo for 2000 and gave it a substantial update for the 2006 model year. Changes included a stiffer body structure, revised front sheet metal, a redesigned interior, and, most importantly, a completely new lineup of engines.
Gone were the old 60-degree 3.4-liter and 90-degree 3.8-liter V-6s, replaced by the newer 60-degree 3.5- and 3.9-liter V-6s. Most importantly—he lowers his voice—SS models received the 303-horsepower LS4 5.3-liter V-8.
The LS4 was essentially a Frankenstein version of GM's LS V-8, modified for front-wheel-drive duty. Pontiac also used it in the 2005-2008 Grand Prix GXP, Buick offered it in the 2008-2009 LaCrosse Super, and, last and least, Chevrolet stuffed it into the 2006-2009 Impala SS.
If the LS4 has an Achilles' heel, it's Active Fuel Management, which constantly switches between four- and eight-cylinder operation under varying loads to save fuel. It's a great idea in theory, but in practice it's a somewhat thumpy, stumbly system that detracts from the driving experience.
You can disable it, but none of the solutions are especially simple. You can plug an OBD-II disabler into the diagnostic port, though that may trigger the check-engine light. You can have the ECU custom tuned—good luck finding someone willing to do that these days—or you can perform a full mechanical delete. Either way, it's hardly a Sunday afternoon garage project.
You'd think I'd be all about having 303 horsepower under my right foot, and to a point, you'd be right. But my experience with powerful cars is that you quickly become accustomed to the acceleration and start taking it for granted. Worse, you rarely use all that power because gasoline and tires aren't getting any cheaper.
A car that handles well, on the other hand, rewards its driver every time it's driven.
Sadly, these Monte Carlo SSs are not handlers.
They certainly look like they should carve up canyon roads, and they can hustle along at a respectable pace, but not in a way that leaves you grinning afterward. Even with the vaunted FE3 sport suspension, you never really feel connected to the car, let alone the road. They bob and float in ways that are surprisingly reminiscent of a 1970s Monte Carlo.
Ironically, "The Dale" had a more planted, grounded feel than these overpowered posers. That's one of the reasons I loved, err, "him" as much as I did.
Of all the cars GM fitted with the LS4, the only one I ever thought was truly worth the effort was the Pontiac Grand Prix GXP. Thanks to its staggered front tires and substantially thicker anti-roll bars, the GXP is genuinely entertaining to drive.
And if you're going to cram a V-8 producing 323 lb-ft of torque into a front-wheel-drive platform that was never designed for it, you might as well finish the job.
My problem with the GXP—and I've come close to buying one more than once—is that I just can't do no four-door sedan as my daily driver. This hillbilly's gots standards.
You could transform this Monte Carlo into something much closer to a Grand Prix GXP by fitting the wider front tires and swapping in the GXP's significantly thicker anti-roll bars front and rear. While you're at it, have the ECU retuned to eliminate Active Fuel Management.
But after all that, you're looking at spending well north of the already steep $20,000 asking price...
...for a twenty-year-old car.
He swallows hard.
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