1985 Oldsmobile 98 Regency

"I found one of your cars in the parking lot" my wife said to me when she met me at the Avon Relay invitational last Saturday morning. "I think you'll love it. Go check it out. Bring back coffee".

Truth is I didn't love it. I didn't even like it. Which only confused my wife more than ever. Poor thing. For years now she has valiantly tried to understand my taste in cars.

 

Y'see, 1985 was the first year for GM's new, "full size" front wheel drivers. I wasn't a fan then and I'm certainly not a fan now. Now, had this been an '84 like the beauty above, well, it would've been a completely different story. In fact, I might've been inclined to leave a love letter or two on it asking the owner to contact me if they wanted to sell it.

With coffee in tow I uploaded to my wife my dismissal of the '85. "Phooey," I scoffed. "That's an '85..'85 not so good. '84, now, that's good". My wife was incredulous as she sipped her coffee. "You're an idiot. And you put a pink packet in my coffee. I like the blue packets".

What's really interesting is that the '85, despite it's very odd proportions and awkward profile, is a vastly superior automobile to the '84. Where the '84 floats and bobs, the '84 is taut, firm. Dare I say "sporty". Well, compared to the '84, it certainly is. The fuel injected 3.8 liter V-6 provides much better acceleration than than the carbureted 5.0 liter V-8 in the '84. That I could fix by swapping out the engine for a modern power plant. I can't do much about the styling of the '85. Yuck.

 

As I went back to get another cup of coffee for my wife with the correct sweetener, I took another gander at the '85.

 

Still not so good. 

 

1976 (or 1977) Chevrolet Monte Carlo. The Best of Intentions.

My wife and I have owned four homes and have made many changes to each of them. More often than not the changes we've made to our homes came out so good that it looked like the changes were part of the original design. Much like a nice pin stripe job or well done tape job can accent an already nice automobile; when it's good it looks like it was part of the original design of the car. Like the Starsky and Hutch Ford Gran Torino. That big white Nike stripe thing made the car.  You remove it and it looks like something is missing.

Huggie Bear, this Monte Carlo ain't Hutch's Gran Torino.

 

I want this nightmarish custom paint and tape off this Monte Carlo in the worst way. These BIG Montes are one of my favorite cars of all time and she deserves better. Much better. The original (?) owner of this Monte Carlo either did it themselves or had it done because I can't find any indication Chevrolet offered this as a factory option back then. Perhaps it was a dealer promo car to help promote the Monte Carlo's then growing legend as a NASCAR tour de force? Who knows. All I know is I want to scrape this junk off this car.

 

Let's be nice and say "they"...whoever they are or were...had the best of intentions. 

 

When I first saw this car from a distance I thought that it was a horrible. Then, as I got closer, I noticed that the detailing on this car was actually, dare I saw, exquisite. The person who did this knew what they were doing. However, great execution of a bad idea, yes, subjective as that may be, is still in my very humble opinion, bad.

 

This is either a 1976 or 1977 Monte. I'm not sure. The stacked headlamps in front say 1976 or 1977. The hood ornament missing on the replacement header panel say 1977. I wasn't about to take a picture of the VIN number plate and do more research off those numbers. If it's a 1976, there might be a torque feast of a Chevy 400 with a Rocherster quadrajet in there. But don't hold yer breath, son. Chances are it's a 350 two barrel making a pot whoopin' 145 horsepower. Yee haaaa...
 

 

I just want to get that paint scraper out now and help this old girl but looking at her, I notice she has more issues than that to contend with. Blame her age and spending her life exposed to the shockingly effective brine they put on the roads up here in Cleveland to make them safe in winter time.

 

Got to be careful, though because after all these years this tape job might be the only thing holding her together. Hardeeharhar. Only partially joking. Then again, after all these years, taking the tape off her is kind of like an oldster removing a tattoo they got long ago.

 That ink has been with them for so long that it has become part of their DNA.



 

1979 Buick Regal - Unsold...but not Unloved.

Writing about an automobile as invisible as this old Buick has been a challenge. What do I say that already hasn't been said about a car that is about as interesting to most people as an old VCR? I tried cataloging the history of the American two door sedan. Then, an itricate detailing of the history of GM's downsized intermediate coupes. I even worked on telling a story about my own personal experience with the four door version of this car. Hey, if you think this car is bland as a "sporty" coupe, don't operate heavy machinery if you happen to come across the sedan version. You...are getting...sleepy. Are you still reading this? Oh. Bless your heart. I'm boring myself to near tears rehashing the slop of black on white I've already deleted.

 

 

Staying true to my personal manifest to finish all things that I start, I have ventured forth once again to blog about this most ordinary of late '70s automobilia. So, grab a clean leisure suit, platform shoes and Star Wars poster and take a deep (brown) dive with me into what it is I like about this car. BTW, I've been told I have some masochist tendencies. Apparently, since you're still reading this, so do you.    

 

 

Somehow, someway I'm smitten with this little lounge lizard. Why? Well, first of all I like two door cars. A lot. They are, sadly, all but extinct these days. Secondly, I like GM cars. A lot. Those almost became extinct going on five years ago. I like these "downsized" intermediates that the good general rolled out for model year 1978 too. Mind you I like some more than others. I'm looking at you, 1978-1980 Monte Carlo. Yuck. And I like V-8 engines in small cars. A. Lot.

 

  

The V-8 in a small car thing has a powerful aura (for me); I love a granny mobile having the heart of a lion. Stealth. Personified. Even if that lion is a bit asthmatic and lacking in the real get up and go department. At least this car sounds like a real car and not some under baked, battery powered golf cart. Those with a keen eye can tell that the engine in this Buick is the much lamented Pontiac 301 V-8. Sorry. This is not the much more desirable Chevrolet 305. The 301 gets knocks for having only three main bearings, the heads have siamesed ports, fragile crankshafts and a number of other designed in tricks that were to help the 301 get as many miles to a gallon as possible. Downside to that is that the 301 doesn't have much in the way of "real" power. My limited experience with 301 powered automobiles was that it provided ample push and it's smoother and more powerful than the Buick V-6 (that was standard on this car). Better still, at least it's not one of the other miserable "economy" V-8 engines like the Oldsmobile 260, Pontiac 265, Chevrolet 267 or worse yet, the Olds 350 diesel. Up against those ghastly lumps, especially that Olds diesel, the Buick 301 really ain't half bad. 

 

 

My wife and I are toying with the idea of getting an older car for our, now licensed to drive, 16 year old son. She says older and means 7-10 years old. We need to communicate more effectively because when I say older I mean something like an old hoopty like this here '79 Regal. Our son has been using our 5700 pound, 7 year old, 320 horsepower Tahoe as his own since he got his license a couple of months ago. This 3200 pound, 34 year old, 140 horsepower Buick makes much more sense to me for him to be driving. Then again, I'm shushed aside like Ole Grandad making poppy cock at the Sunday dinner table whenever I bring this car up. 

 

Apparently she's not alone in her disdain of this old Buick. This car, with only 25,000 miles on her btw, has been for sale for a while now and has had two significant price cuts. Yet it still it sits unsold...but not...unloved.

 

 

 

 

 

1977 Cadillac - The Apple Doesn't Fall far From the Tree

Some people see an old car like this and see nothing more than an old car. I'm delighted that my older boy is just like his old man in that he sees more than that. Much more. I've got a soft spot in my heart for these "little Caddies". My dad had two of them.

He's ga ga over this grand old dame until I tell him that we would need him to get a job to help us with the pending huge gas bills. That takes some wind out his sails. A job? Me? Wha?

 

He loves the lines on her and the color. He's a big Texas Longhorns fan. What I find odd...is that he thinks this car "cool". Really. I can't imagine a 16 year in 1977 thinking this car "cool". I trust his instincts though and reaffirms my belief that this car is cool as well. His mother thinks otherwise. Big time otherwise. Let's not go there.

 

 

I've always like these "downsized" GM full sizers which are still very big. They're much more manageable though than the blimps that came before them. My son was pretty nervous driving it; he's never driven anything quite like it before. While it's probably just a shade wider than our Tahoe, it's the length that spooks him. Even spooked me. I forget how big these things were. She's big. Really big.

 

 

The "gentle giant" 425 cubic inch V-8 (that's 7 liters for your metric system lovers) is a direct decendant of the legendary Cadillac 500 V-8 (same bore, shorter stroke). It provides just enough thrust. This car is far from "fast" and that's just fine for this father of two. Last thing I want is for either of my boys to be involved in drag racing. Not not that I think my boys would ever engage in that behavior...but I more than know that I wouldn't be the first father to be surprised by something their kids did.

 

Like I've told my wife many times, you either "get this" or you don't. No need to try and explain it. My son gets it. Totally.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

1977 Chevrolet Corvette - Delightfully Incompetent

 

 

Not our house nor our trees

 

Would you rather be beautiful (and dumb as a plunger) or highly intelligent? In this little exercise you can't be both. Nor can you even be a little of both. It's one or the other. You're either beautiful or brilliant. Hmmm.
 

 

 

Increase your coolness factor exponentially with your teenage boys by getting an old Corvette

 

Most intelligent people would say "smart" if for no other reason than beauty fades and "smart is forever". But what if, with proper maintenance, it didn't fade? That you could be super good looking forever? But again, dumb as dirt. Well, if you're inclined to appreciate unsolicited attention, being treated special for no other reason than you're good looking, have people hate you for being attractive while others treat you like a moron because they just assume someone as good looking as you can't be intelligent, well by all means have at it. Personally, being gorgeous and dumb sounds like a blast because if I'm that dumb, would I even realize it let alone care?
 

 

Love at first sight.
 

To celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary, my wife and I purchased a lipstick red, 1977 Chevrolet Corvette last summer (it was cheaper than a trip to Hawaii). Just like that we became instantly better looking and stupider at the same time. And we couldn't be happier. This elightfully incompetent "sports car" is one of the most fun things we have ever done for ourselves. This ding dong of a car can't do anything right but its a BLAST to be treated like rock stars whenever we go out for a drive in it. Keep it between us that it's not fast, can't handle and moans, groans and creeks like the 36 year old nimrod of plastic wreck that it is. Does performance even matter when you're this good looking? Honestly? No. It doesn't. Sure looks like it could fly to Mars, don't it?

 

She's still waiting for the trip to Hawaii btw.

Dear William - My Confirmation Letter to my Younger Son

Dear William,

Not long after we moved here to Cleveland I attended a leadership convention at the Quicken Loans Arena. Many great leaders were there to talk to us “leaders” about their lives and their experiences as leaders. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell was there along with Steelers great Terry Bradshaw and former New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani. All of them were great leaders and what they told us was very interesting.  

The one person who was there that impressed me the most though was the actress, Goldie Hawn. Huh? Yeah. Goldie Hawn. Honestly, she’s not someone that I would first associate the term, “leader” with. In any event, at first I wondered why she was there but after I heard her speak I appreciated her being there even more than anyone else.

She told a story about when she was a young girl someone asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She replied, “Happy”. The person who asked her that question pushed her further. “Don’t you want to be a dancer or a singer”? “Well”, she said, “only if it makes me happy.”

William, in your life I hope for only thing and that is for you to be happy.

Congratulations on your confirmation. I am very proud of you.

1967 Ford Mustang - Steve McQueen Cool

 

 

 

I can only imagine the fervor that arose upon the unveiling of the Ford Mustang back in April of 1964. Despite its modest underpinnings and origins, the '64 1/2 Mustang (the "1/2" for coming out in the middle of the model year) became an automotive phenomenon the likes of which there hadn't been before save for the Model T. Or, since.

 

  

When I ran into this delightful little '67 this past weekend, I sprained my neck when I first saw it. And I swear it wasn't because my inner 12 year old said, "Oh. Look! A Mustang". No. It was because this is a seriously cool little car that happens to be, "A Mustang". Alright, the cheap red paint may have also have had a part in this car grabbing my attention but I digress.
 

 

My little red Mustang here can be generously referred to as a "ten footer". Meaning, from ten feet away she looks good. To be honest though, the closer you get to her the more you realize that she's more like a twenty footer. Ok. A thirty. Yeah. She's that bad. And that's a shame because Ford's updating of the original '64 1/2 for 1967, in my very humble opinon, made a cool car even cooler. Even this very tired example still oozes gobs of Steve McQueen cool.

He drove a '68 GT390 to imortality in "Bullitt". Legend has it, Mr. McQueen thought so much of this car that he bought one right after filming was completed.

 

 

When I was a kid these cars, particularly the pokey six cylinder models like this (mostly likely a loveless 240) didn't get any respect and where often victim of hacky weekend mechanic "soup ups". This one doesn't look like its had too much done to it and perhaps that's part of the problem. Aside from an older (cheap and OMG shmaltzy) respray, the scattered rust bubbles, sagging front suspension and sliding and missing emblems tell me she's just been flat out neglected. There isn't a straight panel gap anywhere on her ta boot.

 

 

Sigh. I didn't take any pictures of the interior. I've found that while folks are fairly luke warm about strangers taking pictures of the exterior of their car, they really freak out when you start taking shots of the inside. But it's really nice. No cracks in the dash. The seats look solid. Whoever has got the dough and a lot of it has what appears to be a car with good bones to start from.

 

 

 

I don't know what I would spend to buy this little car if I was in the market for it but the lesser the better. When you factor in all the body work, suspension and power train work that needs to be done you're probably looking at at least $25,000. I think I'm being conservative in my estimate at that.

 

 

Giddyup.

 

Workbench Expansion - Finished At Last!

  

I'm really happy with the way this came out. No, wait. I'm more than happy. I'm ecstatic. The expansion of my workbench, the first part of a larger garage beautification project, came out just as I planned. Big. Bold. Ridiculous. I love it. And there's much more to be done. 

 

  

Plans began last September when I started thinking about adding a Yankee Stadium inspired "Frieze" (Yankee Stadium cognoscenti pronounce it, "freeze") along the top shelf of my work bench.  Thing is though, before I could do that I would need to expand my original structure first. Why? Business before pleasure. Oh, sweet, sweet pleasure.

 

 

I built my original bench shortly after we moved into our home in Cleveland nearly three years ago. I built it on the small side for several reasons. First, I'm a clutter hog and my thought was that a smaller work area would mean I'd clutter less. Hmmm, no. That did not work out according to plan (see photographic evidence above). Secondly, a smaller bench needed less material. Less material meant I'd spend less to build it. Well, that worked out just fine but since I'm a clutter hog that planned fired on me. Valuable lesson learned; cheapness is the mother of failure. Finally and most importantly, if I bought a large antique automobile, like I originally planned, it would have to fit in here. A large work bench would take up much needed space especially at the back of the garage. The car we did finally buy at my wife's ribald insistence, a 1977 Corvette  (which we store at a facility in the winter) is a fairly small car. Well, relative to say, a early '70's Cadillac.  So, expansion of the bench to the back of the garage was not going to be an issue.

 

 

So, my plan was simple. I wanted to build an addition on the "north side" (or back of the garage) of the bench (to the left) while expanding the original "east" structure. While I was at it, I wanted to add parallel shelving or skids underneath it all. How hard could this be? Well, The expansion of the bench came easy. Construction of the skids drove me nuts.  



 

 

In perfect hindsight, what I should have done was build the frame of the skids first, then put them under the bench. Building them "custom" to the area under the bench meant I had to take into consideration that the house, while not old at 15 years of age, is no longer square. Also, by building them "off line", it would've meant less stooping and bending for me. I'm not a kid anymore and while I am in pretty good shape (if I do say so myself), the constant up/down/up/down exhausted little ole me. An exhausted me is not  a happy me. A unhappy me is someone who makes a lot of mistakes. Waaaa. 

 

Along with a fairly cold winter and limited time, the thing that sucked out most of my carpenter's soul was those mistakes. Constant, spirit smothering mistakes. An inch here. Quarter inch there. Something not anticipated here and there and, well...you get the picture.

 

Also, my innate tendency to rush things also cost me dearly. I don't know why I do that. But I do. And it always costs me dearly. Frankly, I had gotten to a stage with this massive project that I thought I'd never finish it.

I probably built and rebuilt these skids a half dozen times before I finally, unceremoniously got it right. At about 3 hours for each shot you can see how my precious weekend free time went into the proverbial dumpster time and time again. If time flies when you're having fun you should see how fast it flies when you don't have any to spare.

 

 

That I finished them at all was miraculous. I had gotten pretty sick of this project. That it came out better than I think I even originally planned makes it even that much more satisfying. I've got perseverance, by golly. Either that or I'm flat out stupid. Come to think of it I think there's a fine between the two.

 



 

 

 

Like an Amish carpenter who uses power tools for the first time, my discovery of the effectiveness of these brackets was nothing short of a revelation. These brackets made for easy assembly and served as tremendous reinforcement. Yes. That's two shorter 2 X 4s that should be one larger one for the attachment of the northside bench to the east. See above about mistakes.

 

 

Not only did these brackets save gobs of time, it allowed me to assemble different parts of the bench in a solid, professional way that I could never accomplish before. That said, I still managed to be more than two inches off on my measuring of the top of the post holding up the north side of the bench. I left this as is.  One of several birth marks.

 

Another discovery I made was my "manufacturing of time". Instead of plopping myself down in front of the TV or laptop on Saturday and Sunday mornings befor my family got out of bed, I put on my sweats and hoodie and armed with a trusty mug of  Keurig brew, I worked out here instead. I worked slowly and methodologically. I'm a morning person. Totally at piece. Slow and steady. I do my best work in the morning.

 

The results speak for themselves. Onto the "Frieze"!